“WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” AND OTHER OFFENSIVE QUESTIONS

A friend and colleague of mine is often asked, “Where are you from?”

He answers simply, “Northbrook, Illinois.”

“No,” they comment, speaking louder and slower as if my friend is hard of hearing. They emphasize each word, assuming that he must not have understood. “Where. Are. You. From?”

Asking someone about their ethnic heritage can be merely inquisitive, a way to get to know someone and, maybe, even a way to connect with them. And, of course, there are times we ask that question, and we mean, “What’s your hometown?” as in “What part of the country are you from?”

However, for many Latino, Asian, and Middle Eastern Americans, hearing that question over and over again can translate as “You must be from somewhere foreign, for you are surely not American.” It’s one of many ways some Americans receive the continual message that they don’t belong in this country.

What does an American look like? Americans come in every size, shape, and color, and yet, many of us still hold a vision of Americans as white middle-class people who just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting.

Instead of asking the question, “Where are you from?” let people bring up their identity if they want to. Don’t treat people like bugs under a microscope if and when they do. Be ready to share some of your identity as well so the sharing feels like a conversation, not a grilling.

Another question that people identified as white might not be aware that others get asked over and over again (especially those who don’t fit easily into the white/black/brown categories of race that our society has constructed) is: “What are you?”

Ask yourself: “Why do I want to know?” Don’t accept your brain’s quick answer, “I’m just curious.” Dig deeper. Let yourself feel how disconcerting it can feel when you cannot categorize people.

Our society has been set up so that it’s very important (in some cases, life or death essential) to know what category you and others are in. If that weren’t so, we wouldn’t have had 52 court cases where different groups (Turks, Japanese, Armenians, South Asians, and others) petitioned the courts to be classified as “white.”

That little inner panic or urgency you feel inside to figure out someone’s racial heritage is part of the racial conditioning we all received to know your and other people’s “place.” It’s not your fault that your brain wants to pigeonhole people. You’re never responsible for the biases your brain cooks up. But you are accountable for how you manage your biases. Stop yourself before you add to someone’s feelings of being dehumanized as an outsider.

The last question, “How do you pronounce your name?” isn’t a problem. It’s wonderful to take the time to learn to say someone’s name correctly. The setback is the comment that often follows, “Wow! That’s some name!” or “Never mind. I’ll never remember that. I’ll just call you ____.”

You are sending a message that someone else’s identity and culture aren’t worth learning and that, once again, their name and, therefore, they themselves don’t fit in the American landscape.

We always have a choice as to whether we play into society’s Insider/Outsider games or broadcast in everyday ways that “We the People” actually means all of us.